Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”