Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!