Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

i want enemies

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter