Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
When you kidnap a writer.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Cheers Twitter.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black