Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.