Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
You Might Also Like
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
A game married people play.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*