Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
you stereotypes are all alike
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.