Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
fly smarter, not harder
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected