Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
You deplete me
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
True
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.