Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
🤣😈🤣
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos