Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
wait a minute….
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”