Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
☠️ ☠️
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage