Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
3% human
97% stress
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Fidel Castro was alive?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”