Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I just want an internship man
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
The human personality is made of five key elements
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu