Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew