Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
You Might Also Like
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Squirrels before girls.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.