Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”