Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.