@IamJackBoot

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

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@SooInnocentDad

Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

@kjmeow

I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

@HoarseWisperer

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

@aka_fatman

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

@moooooog35

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.