Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood