Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”