Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question