Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
#gardening
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.