Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?