Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Accurate
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.