Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too