Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
the dark web is just a goth google.
