Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
