Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
