Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
at ease…shoulder.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
