stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
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Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Ah yes. The three genders
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’