stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
