stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
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Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.