stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
You Might Also Like
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
i prefer mine room temperature.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
