stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
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My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.