“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
<- sleeps well with others
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Cool shirt 🙂
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)