“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“Huge”.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”