Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

How did we not see this back then?

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.