Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Who does Amazon think I am?

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Some people were born into their job.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

…..pretty much.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT