Stop correcting my vodkabulary
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Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I feel attacked.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.