Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand