“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.