“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR