Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

Asking the real questions!

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.