Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

What

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…