Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.