Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Seems a bit forward
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road