Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Very good news from my accountant
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.