Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
He took my last fry, your honor
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
