Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.