Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.