Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Ummm

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.