Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”