Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Yes

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.