Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.