Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

me watching my own Instagram story

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

This story is comedy gold 😂

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

Always a metermaid never a meter