Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
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General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
oh she’s cooked
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
tag yourself
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.