-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Good boy 😂😂
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
wtf management?!
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.