Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

I’M CRYINGGG

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]