Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”