Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.