Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
You Might Also Like
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”