Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
You Might Also Like
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Ha
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.