Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this a threat

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.