Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.