Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
こいつ天才
Just grow your own
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
old twitter is back baby
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST