Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Couple goals

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

He a real one for that

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.