Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes