Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok