Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish