Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Lmao
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.