Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
yea so i messed up lol
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.