Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had to make it

What a year we’ve had this week.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

I am never leaving this website

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.