Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
A dad and his duck
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Wikigenius
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.