Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?