Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“OMGJK” -atheists
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.