Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed