Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Become ungovernable.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.