Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

Would you wear it?

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.