Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

THE DOG😭😭💀

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*