Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you