Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
sin harder.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.