Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.